I can’t get the music loud enough. I need the sound; I need it like a drunk needs liquor and a starving man needs food. I need it louder to drown out the terror, the crushing weight of a world on my chest. The panic in my head like drum beat itself. I need the music to take me away from this world, to make me forget, to make me not feel. To not feel like at any second everything is going to crash down around me. How do I fight back when at a moment’s notice, the blink of an eye, it drops me to my knees leaving me with a feeling that my head is on the butchers block. How do I explain it to the people who have never experienced it, who have no idea what it feels like? To break down and cry when you’re alone, suffocating, drowning. Hot tears running down my cheeks as I try to type, the screen blurring as I try and pour my troubles onto a screen, they keyboard wet and my hands shaking. Having my thoughts jumbled as I try and sort through them, filing them away under lock and key to try and keep them at bay. I’m just waiting for them to get out again, worse than last time. And when I’m unable to look to look the people I love in the eye, afraid they’ll see my tears, afraid they’ll turn away from them like so many others have, afraid to take the risk of them abandoning me. Panic attacks are hell. The music helps drown it out, but the music is never loud enough to make me forget.
Anonymous said: sorry grammar nazi here... it's "pique" not "peak" in the phrase "pique my interest" (in your blog description)
Thanks, whoever you are. Ill change that,